The Burden of Motherhood

If your a mom then and only then can you truly understand the joy of having a child. Its such an amazing journey from the time they are conceived to the day you finally meet face to face. If you think back to the most precious times during pregnancy when you could feel your little one giving you little "bumps" as if to say, "Hi, I'm in here. Thank you for keeping me in here so safe and warm and well fed." How special those were, and even more so when no one else could quite feel those love taps coming from a tiny hand or foot.
Months later the love story would grow even more as you and your baby would see each other for the first time. For me, the work and pain of the labor was such an important part of this journey, for not only was a child being born, but also a mother. My husband and I chose to go the route of midwives and a birth center, in the hopes of making the births of our babies ones free of unnecessary interventions and the feeling of being just a number.
Life took a surprising turn for us as we discovered only three months after the birth of our daughter that we were again pregnant. I will admit, I was not happy with the news at first. I had just begun to feel as though we were getting back into the rhythm of life and was seeing the success of our decision to attachment parent our daughter.
But God and mother nature are wise in allowing a woman the time of nine months to get used to the idea!
Our son was born almost a month after my daughter's birthday and when our eyes met I grieved over the feelings that I had harbored towards him in the early months of my pregnancy. This beautiful boy had no idea he was at first considered a burden, and over the last four months of his life, he has shown us such a sweet spirit, with few tears and many laughs almost from the day he was born!
However, with these joys comes a burden that sometimes feels as though it might suffocate the life from me. That burden is the fear of the unknown for my babies. Many days I thank God and say, " I was able to provide for and keep my babies safe from harm today." But at night I wonder what tomorrow will bring. Living in a world where you read about children being taken, or worse horribly treated and killed, I find myself on guard at all hours of the day and night.
Sometimes, it does become too overwhelming and I ashamedly wish for life before my children. Life, when I was carefree and didn't have the enormous responsibility of protecting and raising two children.
I once thought that the potential unknowns of life were the worst things to fear, but recently our son began growing a mass on his skull and as the doctors grew more concerned about infection and abscess, the decision has been made to have it surgically removed. Now, my days are spent in terrified anticipation of February 11, 2009. I'm not sure if my fear has moved from a normal motherly fear, to that of neurotic anxiety, but I dread the possibility that we may come home that day without my son. I find myself taking picture after picture of him with his sister, and loving on him even more (if that's possible). I don't want any regrets should the unthinkable happen, however I will always carry the regret of my initial feelings towards this little angel.

Life has always seemed to take unexpected turns just when we seem to be getting the hang of it, so I wonder what and when this next turn is coming.